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All Women are from Venus
There is a basic rule to remember when you deal with women, no man on the planet can figure out how they operate. But here is a little bit of wit, facts and questions.
1) Why does it take 2 hours to drive to the mall (which only takes 15 minutes) and buy a tube of lipstick?
2) Why do women “pluck” all of their eyebrows then draw them back in with an eyebrow pencil?
3) Why cant women put the toilet seat UP for men?
4) Why does “we need” always mean, “I want”?
5) If a man likes to see a woman in skimpy underwear, he is labeled pervert, but if he doesn’t, (because he doesn’t want to be labeled as a pervert) he is assumed gay, why?
6) Why does “sure or go ahead” mean “no don’t do that”?
7) Why do women always remember the little things like drinking out of the jug (years ago) but they can NEVER remember good directions-to their own house?
8) The garage is for the hotrod; use the kiddy pool and a bar of soap to do laundry.
9) If a man works hard he never has any time for his wife, if he doesn’t he is a lazy boob, why?
10) If a man cries he is a wimp, if he doesn’t he is insensitive, why?
11) If you say “nice dress” you’re a sexist, if you don’t say anything it’s male indifference, why?
12) Why do women need new shoes-when they already have 40 pairs?
13) “If you don’t know then I wont tell you”, this doesn’t make sense to me either.
14) “Put that (500 lb) houseplant there-no wait-over there, you know by the thing,” sound familiar?
15) “I want new curtains” means “we need” a new house, I’m getting tired of this one.
16) “Do you love me?” either means I wrecked your 68 Camaro or “we need” something expensive.
17) “Its your decision” or “do what you want” means I will be mad (and not just say so) for a month.
18) Short shorts and porno were designed with (straight) guys in mind, they will look and they can’t be stopped.
19) Why does “I’ll be ready in a minute,” mean I’ll be 25 minutes?
20) Anything said more than 8 days ago is void in any argument.
21) If a man gets a promotion first it’s favoritism if a woman gets a promotion first its equal opportunity, why?
22) If she makes a decision without you she is a “liberated woman” if you make a decision without her you are a chauvinist, why?
23) If she has a headache she is tired, if he has a headache he is grumpy and he doesn’t love her anymore, why?
24) WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL WITH TURNING 30?
25) Why do women spend 35 minutes putting on make-up just to go to the movies, its dark in the theater anyway no one will see them.
26) Why do women wear short skirts and skimpy shirts, and then get mad when a man looks at them?
27) Why can women spend $45 on a sweater, but a man can’t spend $30 on a drill.
28) Why do women tell you what you don’t want to know, but don’t tell you what you want to know.
29) If women mumble something and then say “nothing”-why did they say anything in the first place?
30) Why does a woman say “what are you thinking about”-and then not listen to a word you say?
31) CHOCKLAT IS SNACK FOOD!
32) Crying is, was and always will be a completely inexcusable form of blackmail.
33) “Do I look fat in this?” means TELL me I’m beautiful.
34) Why is it that when a woman is right and says “I told you so” there is nothing wrong with that, but when a man is right and says, “I told you so” he is acting immature?
35) Why can a woman stare at a man’s butt, but when a man stares at a woman’s butt he is a pervert?
36) 70 percent of Sunday is dedicated to cars and sports, get used to it.
37) Out of 24 hours of the day, why do women have to use the can the same 10 minutes you need to take a dump (and why do they wait until you just got sat down on the commode to tell you they need to use the bathroom)
38) Why do women ask loaded questions (you know, the ones with no right answer) then pout and sulk when you say the wrong thing (like “am I beautiful?” if you say yes you are either lying or you want something, if you say no you are an insensitive bastard, and if you ignore the question you don’t love them any more. you see this is a no win situation)
39) If women want something why don’t they ask instead of using hints?
40) Men won’t notice your new haircut and they never will.
41) A mans urinal is everywhere, if you haven’t seen a penis by now you never will.
42) What’s with the wicked mood swings? (Sure men change their mood, but it is for a reason)
43) To a man wrinkles don’t matter.
44) Why can a woman carry a purse that weighs more than a Volvo, but they can’t open a jar of pickles?
45) Why can a woman giggle, but when a man giggles he is acting childish?
46) What is with the shell shaped pieces of soap they accomplish nothing, and they don’t even take car grease off your hands that good?
47) Why do women put up “pretty things”, they just end up broken or torn down anyway?
48) Why does she ask you to take out the trash in the last 10 minutes of the super bowl?
49) Why can she sit in a closed room with fingernail paint for hours on end but she says that gasoline stinks?
50) Why is it that the only place they want to ask you a question is when they are standing in front of the TV?
51) Why can a woman talk on the phone for 3 hours and honestly say she talked about nothing?
52) Chick flicks are corny.
53) Why do women speak in riddles?
54) Why does “I’m not yelling” mean I have my period?
55) Why does yes, maybe and no all-mean no?
56) Why does “I’m fine” mean “I’m mad”?
57) Women don’t lie they just leave out the important parts.
58) Why can women talk about their period, but men can’t talk about their balls?
59) Why is it that if a guy works out to stay in shape he is selfish and vane, but if he doesn’t he is a pig?
60) Men only spend 60 percent of the time thinking about porn and nudity, they spend another 25 percent thinking about cars and 15 percent goes to the other stuff…. you know the little things.
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